the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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