i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
