I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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