Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
