I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
