If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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