Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
