Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Cover your peen. We're going out.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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