he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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