I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
