Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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