Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I believe in your delicious
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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