Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
