I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
