If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
