hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
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