Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
