the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
