someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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