Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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