Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
