i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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