Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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