Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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