I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
