Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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