i jhust puked up my retainher.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
