I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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