He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
