Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
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