What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
