if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Well I just put wine in my tea
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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