you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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