we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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