I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
