she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
