im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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