There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
