you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
