I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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