don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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