I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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