did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
