Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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