you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
