all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize