where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The cops high fived after they tackled you
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
