You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
