Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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