sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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