I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
