I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Umm I'm too high to move.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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