end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
