I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
