Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
