At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
