New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
