3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
