He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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