Fine. I'll sleep in my office
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
It's just like the Real World with babies
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
