I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
