Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
