I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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