you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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