Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
