What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
