My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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